I want to make a zoo with you.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
