I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So much Jack, so little girl.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
