his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
