I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
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