Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
