I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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