pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
