if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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