I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
