remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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