just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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