You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
