I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
