god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
