You smell like stripper and shame
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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