Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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