Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
