i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
