My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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