I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
