trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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