Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
