I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
