youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
