why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
