I'm going to jail i love you
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
