All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
