Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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