I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
how does that bad decision feel?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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