I accidentally had phone sex last night
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
