someone threw a dead crab at me
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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