How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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