I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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