McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
