I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
