I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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