We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
