Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Randomize
