I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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