I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
