I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
