Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
