a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
