I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
