dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
