it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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