We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
