unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
