Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
