then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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