her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We have started to decorate penises.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
